Piece of Me

Alright, I confess. Britney is a little bit entertaining. Not sure why – I’ll avoid the hackneyed ‘car crash’ analogy and try to delve a little deeper. Maybe it’s that kind of nervous laughter when you see someone do something stupid that you just did, where you laugh in hopes that no one would suspect you of doing something equally ridiculous. Britney is no more fucked up than any of the rest of us, and what’s worse – she seems to know it. We know it. Well, you, my reading public (yes, single page view March 28th, I saw you) are fucked up. I’m way beyond that pedestrian shit. But seriously, it’s more than a little bit commendable. Here’s Britney stepping out of a limousine flashing her balding cooter, and she honestly doesn’t even seem fazed. Respect. Granted, she shaved her head, but who hasn’t wanted to shave his head from time to time? Consider the list of reasons in favor and the list against:

1. No more expensive shampoo.
2. Showering is much quicker
3. No hair in your eyes
4. Fucking cool

The Negatives?

People will think you look funny.

See how obvious that is in comparison? Sometimes I want to get a tattoo purely because it’s an absurd thing to do. Clearly it doesn’t mean anything of great import, but neither does 90% of the shit that comes out of my mouth every day. It’s like there’s this terrible stigma attached to it because it might make you look different and you might regret it. What does that mean? Why would you regret it? Because you looked like a badass for a while? Because you could get laid at any metal concert or biker bar for your young adult life? Sorry, folks, but that’s not a strong argument against. Shit, we all know tattoos are appealing. The fact that you might regret it is what makes a tattoo so fucking exciting in the first place. Getting your labrum pierced or some other equally outrageous shit is a big fat fuck you to pragmatism. And I like that a lot.

Look at this motherfucker. This tattoo is awesome. Why? Because he clearly didn’t think about it beforehand. A tattoo isn’t a rational event, and that’s why it’s great. It’s dumb. It’s fucking stupid, and you should revel in that. Bathe in it. Take comfort in the fact that everything you do or did doesn’t have to be one more brick on the long golden road to a 2.5 bedroom Ranch-style mobile with a carport. When you want a tattoo, get a fucking tattoo. And don’t half-ass it. Look at this bitch below: this is what happens when you try and get a “reasonable” tattoo. You look stupid. You’re like a NASCAR driver that only goes 140. Great, it’s a little faster than the freeway but it sure as shit won’t cut it at Daytona. LAME.

Apparently, it’s a legitimate concern that you might not be able to get hired later in life if you have visible or strange or weird piercings or tattoos. God forbid, a speed bump in the one way race to wage slavery. I don’t know about you guys (note the plural – I have over 8 views at the time of writing this post (!!)) but when I wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind isn’t whether or not my actions in the day/week/year/life are going to reflect well on my Burger King application. I don’t get dressed in the morning with my future boss in mind, and I certainly don’t carry a What Would Lumberg Do bracelet when I go out on the weekend, because I don’t want to do what Lumberg would do, I want to get drunk and dance on a table and make somebody love me, then wake up with a tattoo. An ugly one.

Shit. I’m getting worked up just writing this. I’m tired of all these apathetic assholes I’m surrounded with. This is a University capital U, and these community collegeclowns couldn’t care less. Nobody here wants to start the revolution. Nobody here wants to really challenge himself. I think that people use the diversity and size of this university to actively seek out those who hold their already entrenched views, and together, they use two shovels to dig themselves faster and deeper into that little backwater puddle that is conservatism. Confront yourself with ideas! Embrace radicalism! How do you know what you think, when you don’t know what other people think?

I suppose this is (conceivably) open to criticism in the sense that I must share the same reluctance, just from the other side of the spectrum. Wrong. I know what you think, I just think it’s boring.

In conclusion – props to Britney. You go, girl. I love the fact that you’re a little crazy. I wouldn’t let you watch my kids, but I wouldn’t let Dick Cheney watch them either. That’s just the way it is. Keep flashing that beaver. It’s unique, it’s independent. Look at these haters – Tara Reid has her dress falling off? Please. Britney brought us the baby chute. The full meal deal. She supersized and supershaved it. What’s one tit, here or there? You’ve got two, Janet Jackson. Go big or go home.

I hope I’m here when the revolution starts.